This is a repost from my article on Alive Now's blog
I starting practicing centering prayer in February as I was working on the July/August 2011 issue on Finding Time. Centering prayer seemed to be a good spiritual practice to include with this issue. And I realized that if I was going to invite readers to try out centering prayer, I should be willing to practice it myself. Before February, my only experiences with centering prayer had been in a Sunday school class at my church. I went to three or four sessions, but ended up falling asleep each time. So I joined a more active class instead.
My time for centering prayer is in the early morning after breakfast and walking the dogs. I kept a journal for a while and share some of my experience with you here. As you can see, I'm still "practicing." I hope you'll share your own thoughts and experiences, challenges and successes, questions and comments. Blessings!
2/19/11 - God, I feel like a failure this morning in my prayers. My brain cannot concentrate on you. Every little space I create gets filled up in seconds with a thought or distraction. I could never achieve that peaceful connection that I am longing for. Help me, God, to let go of my expectations and accept what happens. I am longing for you, God. Please fill me. Amen.
2/21/11 - God, I thank you for this time. It seems I fight through chaos and distractions, only to find you in the final minutes of my mediation. I forget that you are present even if I cannot seem to reach you. I stood in your presence, I felt, for a few seconds at a time. Fog swirled around me, but I was fully present to you. Thank you for the luxury of 20 minutes of quiet. I pray for mothers and fathers for whom such a time seems impossible. I am yours. Amen.
2/22/11 - Somewhere between dozing and distractions of dogs walking, licking, and barking, I may have felt you. Saw glimpses of you. Walk with me into this day, O God. I need your presence. Amen.
3/13/11 - There is within me a sort of hall of presence where I meet you, God. It expands so large within me. When I can find the way, I open it to you and you come inside. Quiet, expansive, spacious oneness with your presence. I thank you, God.
3/14/11 - I cannot find the space except for short glimmers of you. I open up the left side of my awareness and try to hold off distractions with my right arm. That doesn't work. Help me to relax into your love. I cannot control or fight my way there. I'm powerless over these distractions. Help me, loving God.
3/16/11 - Even without distractions I am flighty in my thoughts. My expectations are high and I struggle to force things out if my mind. Perhaps surrender would be a better way - force does not work. And still I meet you for moments and glimpses. I am grateful.
3/19/11 - It's a curious thing, this spaciousness that I slip into. I don't know how to make it happen or how to stay there once I find myself there. But it is a relaxed place. Like I have relaxed into God's arms or lap or presence. I'm grateful, God, for this gift from you. Amen.
3/22/11 - Presence. Your presence, O God, through the distractions. I am yours. Amen
3/25/11 - It's a morning when I feel like I failed my prayer time. I tried to control all the noise, but once it got quiet, I still couldn't quiet my own mind. God, you are my God. I search for you. Thank you for your presence. Amen.
3/30/11 - I start out in a darkened place. I am broken before you. I don't want you to see me this way. I start writing in my head even while I try to let go of the thoughts. I am broken, God, and standing before you. Have mercy on me. Then there is a spacious place that is around me and holding me in. Thank you, God, for letting me enter your presence.
3/31/11 - Some days I finally reach you just before the end of the allotted time. Thank you. It is enough. Amen.
4/1/11 - Even in the quiet of the morning I have trouble making a way clear to you. My brain keeps working on problems and I am unable to give myself over to you. A glimpse will have to suffice. Thank you, God. I am hungry for that spacious connection with you.
4/3/11 - I'm not ready for centering prayer in the midst of distractions - such as the dog chewing on his new bone. I need quiet, and still I lose my way. But I do better with silence and peace. It's baby steps and gratitude and lack of judgment. That is what I need. Thank you God, for the glimpses of your presence.
4/4/11 - My brain hops around like a bunny. I hold tension in my arms trying to find the right position to meet God. I'm powerless over my attention. It seems impossible to be still for 20 minutes. It's glimpses. Just glimpses. Thank you God for the glimpses of peace.
4/6/11 - Another day of some longer glimpses and I am grateful. Peace is wonderful. Thank you for the presence.
4/8/11 - I'm scattered and unable to concentrate. Gather me up, God, in a single-minded focus on you. Amen.
4/12/11 - Missed a few days and I'm totally out of practice. Didn't even get to the narthex of your presence, God. Thank you for being there, even though I couldn't find you. I need your help.
4/13/11 - I'm still fighting to be here. And fighting does not work. I am yours. I am here. Help me, God.
4/16/11 - Seems as though I mostly squander the time I have with you, God. My mind drifts off into all kinds of thoughts and I forget what I'm doing. I can't remember to concentrate on you and waste most of the time far away from your presence. I'm sorry, loving God. I know you have forgiven me. Thank you.
4/21/11 - My brain is a clutch of bunnies hopping around, unable to focus. Bit there are glimpses of you. And that is enough. Thank you. Amen.
4/22/11 - Why is it that I don't get to peace and presence until 20 seconds before my alarm goes off? Thank you, loving God, for those 20 seconds.
4/25/11 - I didn't know it would be so difficult to learn to sit for 20 minutes in quiet. Thank you for this time of learning. I am yours. Amen.
5/3/11 - On this morning after I haven't slept well, I am fairly peaceful and connected. Thank you, God, for your quiet presence inside of me. Amen.
5/4/11 - Maybe practice does help. It wasn't a long stretch, but I was able to reach a deep place for a while near the end of my 20 minutes. I don't know how it happened. It just did. Thank you, Spirit. Amen.
5/12/11 - Such a hard time getting anywhere today, thoughts float through my mind and I chase them on. Planning, solving problems, investigating noises. My brain is in a fog. But for short moments, I slip though the fog into the space that is you, and my mind quiets for that moment. Thank you, God, for moments with you. Amen.
5/18/11 - God, every time I think I've mastered the quiet, I find that the chatter is back. I cannot control my brain. I forget to surrender to you. I love you, God. I am yours.
5/20/11 - Thanks, God. Even with dogs barking from time to time, I found the quiet place. I'm grateful.
6/30/11 - I am trying to let go of the tension in my body. Seems like I am trying too hard to concentrate on the word rather than letting go, relaxing into God's love. I'm trying to force my mind to be open. It doesn't work so well.
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